The Grouch Returns

I write “Returns” in the title because I’ve been grouchy in my Oscar reviews before.

I don’t generally sit down with the intention to “tweet” an event but, once again, it just happened.  Here are my tweets… the more memorable ones, anyway…  with further explanation in parentheses:

  • @therealrussellp Just saw preview for #SourceCode during #Oscars. You’re in the preview, right? Please settle this debate for us!  (They ran the ad for the upcoming Jake Gyllenhaal movie right at the beginning of the show. Russell Peters tweeted back right away that he was in the background… I won.)
  • Wants #TheSocialNetwork but predicts #TheKingsSpeech.  (That’s my heart and head at work.)
  • #KirkDouglas getting Botox is like souping up your Model T.  (In all honesty, I gotta give props to a 94-year-old man coming out most-stroke and cutting some pretty good jokes.  I wouldn’t knock a man for aging and especially not for a life-threatening condition.  But all that “work” did make him look weird.  And is it really necessary at this point?)
  • Ever hear that eyeballs are always the same size but ears & noses continue growing? #KirkDouglas proves this.  (His ears should have their own zip codes.)
  • Would it be un-PC to give #KirkDouglas subtitles?  (I understood about every other word.)
  • #MilaKunis. I jizzed in my pants. Say it, Justin!  (Missed opportunity to reprise his role in the infamous SNL video.  She, as always, looked fly.  I did forget Sarah Marshall.)

  • My dream job is to host the #Oscars. Now I think I could write the script, too. Pretty easily.  (That’s my singular goal in this game.  Host my own talk show on the way there.  A lot of things are easier said than done.  But, having hosted a number of events, I really think I could do it.  And the jokes they did weren’t really that hard to write.)
  • You & 4 others. RT @rakeshsatyal: I’m so glad Katey Sagal won best foreign language film. #oscars (OK, so not entirely true.  7 others.)
  • ABC has the #Oscars thru 2020. Appropriately.  (This tweet was very punny… kind of like my stupid one-liner, “I DVRd 60 Minutes… so it was 46 Minutes.”)

  • Yes. Trent Reznor 9″ nailed it.  (Another pun.  I wanted to use another NIN reference as wordplay but everything else seemed to esoteric… although the show was “Broken.”)

  • Have a harder-to-spell duo up there. #McConaughey & #Johannson? Are they handing out tchotchkes?  (The iPhone auto-fill did it before I had a chance to see if I could really spell it.  I don’t think I would’ve gotten it, though.  Altho… watch this:  paraphernalia.)
  • Anne GoAway. #Oscars (One of my personal favorite stage moments was when Josh Sneed followed me at my home club of Go Bananas in Cincinnati and said, “Give it up for Rajiv… he tried.”  Hilarious.  And that’s how I felt about Hathaway.  She’s a cheery individual.  And her dresses were legit.  But she’s honestly just not a funny person.  She gave the exact opposite of an “effortless performance.”  She worked very hard – and it showed.)
  • ~”My Mom was having heart surgery.” Only acceptable time for a man to admit he likes #CelineDion.  (You simply can’t tell anyone you like the song in Titanic even if you do.  My favorite tweet about this was from comedienne Natasha Leggero:  “Celine Dion ruins every Celine Dion song.”)
  • #Obama picked “As Time Goes By.” Good one. Till 2012, when he (sadly) loses.  (This is the subject of a future blog post – gonna have to explain that one.)
  • @btchygirls #BillyCrystal was the best in recent memory.  (I also liked Whoopi Goldberg.  Probably because she was Jewish.)
  • #ModernFamily ad funnier than the whole #Oscars show.
  • It was great.

  • #TheKingsSpeech for Best Director? #Fincher got jacked.  (See next tweet.)
  • #TheKingsSpeech wasn’t that well-directed. In the last 20 min, it totally changed direction & became about something else. #Oscars #fail (Honestly, you’ve got to be kidding me.  Without giving it away, suffice it to say that this movie was lovely when it was the interchange between two men.  But when the movie expanded to the backdrop of World War II, I just felt like it lost its essence.  We’ve seen so many films depicting the grand nature of the war.  But throw in the Allies and Hitler and all… to me, it made the movie much more generic but then again, it seals your awards, as Ricky Gervais indicated in Extras and told Kate Winslet at the Golden Globes two years ago.)

  • Annette Bening – Crest Whitestrips are on-sale at Ralph’s.  (OK, that was mean.  But they are.)

  • #JamesFranco‘s girlfriend hit on me once. There’s no joke here. I’m just sayin’. #Oscars (I attended a friend’s play, after which she talked to me and invited me to the after party that was for cast members only.  Guess I should’ve gone.  But I prolly had a blog post that nobody reads to write.)

  • #NataliePortman, you forgot the janitor. But that’s legit to give so many shout-outs. You are so dope.  (Seriously, she’s the full package.  Enough said.  Although I don’t know if anyone has used the word “dope” to describe her.)

  • #SandraBullock should just quote #ATribeCalledQuest, “MCs take note as I stand & deliver.” Why isn’t Sandra hosting?  (She out-did the two hosts in two minutes.  Unlike Hathaway, she as effortless.  And unlike Franco, she was there.)

  • Man, Brits have to be so pissed they don’t rule the world any more. How’d they lose to us Americans? They sound SO much smarter.  (Colin Firth just sounded so… royal.)
  • Obviously it’s gonna be #TheKingsSpeech. Or this montage is just dick.  (You can’t use a movie as background and then not reward it.  Well, I guess they did that with the opening scenes utilizing Inception, but hey.)
  • #Spielberg. Cincinnati represent.  (Most people don’t realize he’s from Cincinnati.  But then again, so is Charles Manson.)
  • #TheKingsSpeech. Stupid. That’s my witty closer. Best film was #TheSocialNetwork. If you disagree, you’re, well, stupid.  (I wrote out what I thought about all the movies before the Golden Globes.)
  • But then again, The Academy picked these fools as hosts. What’d we expect? #Oscars (Franco did Franco and Hathaway did Hathaway.  Blame the people who hired ’em.  They chose them before Ricky Gervais hosted the Globes.  And if you thought he was over-the-top, you must admit he at least made for good TV.  But here’s the lesson:  if you just try to NOT be something, you’ll lose.  The hosts were clearly given the direction to NOT be Ricky Gervais.  You can’t follow negative advice, as in, “Don’t do that.”  You have to make a real, actionable choice – DO this or BE that.  They didn’t choose a strategy and this is ultimately what made the show the most boring in decades.

I’ve basically watched the Oscars for almost a quarter century.  The first one I recall was 1989, when Rain Man won Best Picture for 1988.  And I still love it for the tradition.  It’s the standard.  But they really need to find a way to make it a better show.  Maybe I can do that when I host it… whether that’s in 2020 or … or to quote Toy Story… “beyond.”

4 thoughts on “The Grouch Returns

  1. ohhh Anne Hathaway. Agreed – Anne, just go away. Good one.

    Agree about Colin Firth, he could say just about anything and I think it would sound sophisticated and lovely.

    And nice call on Sandra Bullock. She could have hosted that mother with her eyes closed and done a better job than those two. Franco was just bizarre.

    But answer me this – Why would the oscars try to go after a younger demo? Come on. They have NO MONEY. I heard some dumb 24-year old talking on NPR last week about how Groupon should do a better job catering to his demographic.



    When you hear anyone in that 20-something age range talking about how marketers should reach out to their generation you know you are talking to a moron.

    But I digress. Sorry to use your blog as my own personal conversation with you. Call me and we’ll go on and on about the stupidity of this for hours.

    Oh and see you next week.

    Can I bring something Monday?

    I’m just going to see how personal I can make this.

    Uh, Is your mom making lasagna? And do you think she’ll get out that little keyboard again? Oh, but I forgot, we’re not bringing little O this time.


    Ok. I’m done.

  2. I am not young but regarding the above post: reaching out to a younger 20ish demographic is good business if it is cheap and easy to obtain the customer. People get loyal after 30 and start buying things without having to do to much research. Why not research? because others things matter. Get their loyalties early.

    Why didn’t you bang that hot white chick (Franco)? You passed on banging a hot white chick so you could invest a lot of time and mentally masturbate to some non-putting out Indian chick who won’t blow you until you pass your medical boards and then finally screw you after a 3 day matrimonial ceremony?

    Hop to it.

    Best, B

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